Updated on
January 21, 2026
|
January 20, 2026
Learn John Gottman's five-step Emotion Coaching approach. Evidence-based strategies for responding to children's emotions, building self-regulation, and transforming challenging moments into learning opportunities.
Emotion Coaching is an evidence-based approach that helps children understand and regulate their emotions through empathetic guidance rather than dismissal or punishment. Developed from the research of psychologist John Gottman, this approach has transformed how educators respond to children's emotional moments, turning potential flashpoints into powerful learning opportunities.
When a child erupts in frustration, throws equipment, or dissolves into tears, our instinct might be to stop the behaviour immediately. Emotion Coaching takes a different path: first acknowledge the feeling, then address the behaviour. This seemingly simple shift produces remarkable results. Children who experience Emotion Coaching develop stronger emotional intelligence, better self-regulation, improved behaviour, and more positive relationships with adults and peers.
Emotion Coaching is an approach to responding to children's emotions that treats emotional moments as opportunities for connection and teaching rather than problems to be solved or behaviours to be stopped. The approach emerged from John Gottman's research on family relationships and has been extensively developed for educational settings by researchers including Licette Gus and Louise Gilbert in the UK.
At its core, Emotion Coaching involves five key steps:
This differs fundamentally from common alternative responses. "Emotion dismissing" minimises or ignores feelings: "Don't be silly, there's nothing to cry about." "Emotion disapproving" punishes emotional expression: "Stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry about." Neither approach helps children develop emotional competence.
Emotion Coaching acknowledges that all emotions are valid signals that deserve attention, while maintaining that some behaviours triggered by emotions are not acceptable. A child can feel furious (valid) without hitting someone (not acceptable). The adult's job is to help the child understand and express the emotion appropriately.
When children experience intense emotions, their amygdala (the brain's alarm system) becomes highly activated, triggering fight, flight, or freeze responses. In this state, the prefrontal cortex (responsible for reasoning, language, and impulse control) goes partially offline. This is why telling an upset child to "calm down and think about it" rarely works: the thinking parts of their brain are not fully available.
Emotion Coaching works with this neuroscience rather than against it. Empathetic acknowledgment helps calm the amygdala and restore prefrontal function. The child's stress hormones decrease, heart rate slows, and capacity for rational thought returns. Only then can problem-solving and behaviour guidance be effective.
Children develop emotional regulation through co-regulation with attuned adults. When an adult remains calm and empathetic during a child's emotional storm, they provide a regulatory scaffold. The child's nervous system gradually learns to match the adult's calmer state. Over time, this co-regulation becomes internalised as self-regulation.
Emotion Coaching strengthens attachment relationships by demonstrating that the adult is a safe person who can handle the child's big feelings. Children learn they do not have to suppress or hide emotions to maintain connection. This secure base supports all other learning and development.
Gottman's original research followed families over multiple years, finding that children of "Emotion Coaching" parents showed better emotional regulation, fewer behaviour problems, higher academic achievement, and better physical health compared to children of emotion-dismissing parents.
UK research by Bath Spa University's Institute for Education has adapted and validated Emotion Coaching for school settings. Studies show that trained educators report improved relationships with children, reduced behaviour incidents, and better outcomes for children with social and emotional difficulties.
Emotion Coaching begins with noticing. Before a child reaches crisis point, an emotionally aware adult notices the signs: the tightening jaw, the withdrawal, the escalating voice. This awareness creates opportunities for early intervention before emotions become overwhelming.
Awareness also means recognising lower-intensity emotions that are easy to overlook. Children experience frustration, disappointment, anxiety, and sadness throughout the day, often without dramatic displays. These quieter emotional moments are equally important opportunities for coaching.
Developing awareness:
When a child is emotional, adults face a choice: see this as a problem to solve quickly or an opportunity to connect and teach. Emotion Coaching requires consciously choosing the second option, which may feel counterintuitive when behaviour is challenging.
This mental shift is crucial. If we approach emotional moments as inconveniences or disruptions, our responses will be dismissive or controlling. If we approach them as valuable learning opportunities, we respond with curiosity and empathy.
Reframing emotional moments:
Once you have decided to engage with the emotion, the next step is empathetic listening. This means giving the child your full attention, getting down to their level, and using body language that communicates presence and acceptance.
Validation does not mean agreeing with the child's perspective or approving of their behaviour. It means acknowledging that their emotional experience is real and makes sense from their point of view. "You're really angry that Sam took the blue crayon" validates the feeling without endorsing any subsequent hitting.
Listening and validating techniques:
Many children lack vocabulary for their emotional experiences. They feel overwhelmed by sensations they cannot identify or communicate. Providing emotional labels helps children understand their inner world and communicate their needs.
Naming should be tentative rather than declarative: "It looks like you might be feeling frustrated" rather than "You're frustrated." The child is the expert on their own experience; the adult offers possibilities. If you name incorrectly, the child may correct you, which is valuable information.
Building emotional vocabulary:
Only after emotions have been acknowledged do we address behaviour and find solutions. By this point, the child's nervous system has calmed enough for rational problem-solving. The adult has also demonstrated that they understand and accept the child before setting expectations.
Limits are set clearly and kindly: "It's okay to feel angry. It's not okay to hit. Hitting hurts people." The feeling is separated from the behaviour. Then problem-solving can begin: "What else could you do when you feel that angry?"
Setting limits and problem-solving:
During intense emotional episodes, keep responses simple. This is not the time for lengthy discussions or sophisticated problem-solving. Match the child's emotional energy with calm presence, use few words, and focus on safety and acknowledgment.
"I can see you're very angry. I'm going to stay here with you until you feel calmer. It's not okay to throw things. Let's take some deep breaths together."
Once the intensity passes, return to the full five-step process. Trying to do everything during peak emotion often escalates rather than resolves situations.
The most effective Emotion Coaching happens before crises. Build emotional vocabulary during calm moments. Discuss emotions in stories, artwork, and everyday situations. Help children anticipate emotional challenges: "Break time can be tricky. What might help if you feel left out?"
Regular check-ins help children develop emotional awareness. Simple questions like "How are you feeling right now?" or tools like emotion check-in boards normalise attention to emotional states.
Emotion Coaching principles apply to group situations as well as individual interactions. Class discussions about emotions, shared emotional vocabulary, and collective problem-solving all create an Emotion Coaching classroom culture.
When managing whole-class behaviour, acknowledge the group's emotional state: "I can see lots of you are feeling frustrated that we can't go outside. That's understandable. Let's think about what we can do instead."
Traditional behaviour management focuses on controlling behaviour through rewards and sanctions. Emotion Coaching does not replace appropriate boundaries but changes the relational context in which they are set. Limits set after emotional validation feel different from limits set without acknowledgment.
Children who experience Emotion Coaching become more cooperative over time because they feel understood and respected. The relationship itself becomes a motivator for positive behaviour, reducing reliance on external rewards and punishments.
Children with challenging behaviour often have underdeveloped emotional regulation skills and histories of emotion dismissal or disapproval. Emotion Coaching is particularly powerful for these children, though it may take longer to see results.
Be prepared for testing. Children who have learned that adults dismiss or punish emotions may initially escalate when their feelings are acknowledged. They are checking whether this new response is genuine and consistent. Persist through the testing period.
Emotion Coaching aligns well with approaches for children with autism, ADHD, and other special educational needs. The clear structure of the five steps provides predictability. Visual supports can enhance emotional vocabulary and self-monitoring.
Adaptations may be needed. Some children need more time to process. Some communicate emotions through behaviour rather than words. Some need concrete, literal language rather than subtle emotional vocabulary. Adapt the approach to individual needs while maintaining the core principles.
Your "meta-emotion philosophy" is your beliefs and feelings about emotions. Were emotions welcomed or suppressed in your childhood? Do you see anger as dangerous or natural? Are tears a sign of weakness or healthy expression? These beliefs shape your automatic responses to children's emotions.
Reflection questions:
No one becomes an expert Emotion Coach immediately. Start by practising awareness: simply notice children's emotions without necessarily responding differently. Then focus on validation: acknowledge feelings even briefly before addressing behaviour.
Gradually incorporate the full five steps. Some moments will go well; others will not. Reflect on both. What made a particular interaction successful? What got in the way when coaching felt difficult?
You cannot emotion coach when you are dysregulated yourself. If a child's behaviour triggers your own fight-or-flight response, you will not be able to provide the calm presence that coaching requires.
Develop your own self-regulation strategies. Notice your physical signs of stress. Have techniques for calming yourself quickly (deep breaths, grounding, brief pauses). Know when to tag out and let a colleague take over if you are too activated to coach effectively.
Emotion Coaching works best as a whole-school approach where children experience consistent responses across all adults and settings. This requires training, shared language, and ongoing support for staff.
Implementation typically involves:
Different staff members find different aspects of Emotion Coaching challenging. Some struggle with validation, feeling it is permissive. Others struggle with limit-setting, worrying about upsetting children. Supervision and peer support help staff develop areas of difficulty.
Lunchtime supervisors, teaching assistants, and office staff all interact with children during emotional moments. Include all staff in training and ensure they feel confident using the approach.
Parents may wonder whether Emotion Coaching is "soft" on behaviour or encourages emotional expression they find uncomfortable. Explain the approach clearly, sharing the evidence base and practical examples.
Invite parents to learn Emotion Coaching themselves. Many families find it transforms their home relationships just as it transforms classrooms. Shared approaches between home and school amplify benefits for children.
Emotion Coaching often takes less time than traditional approaches in the long run. Acknowledged emotions resolve more quickly. Relationships improve, reducing conflicts. Children learn to regulate, needing less adult intervention.
In the moment, keep coaching brief. A simple "You're frustrated. That's hard" takes three seconds and changes the interaction's trajectory.
Acknowledging emotions is not rewarding behaviour. You still set limits on actions. The difference is that you validate the feeling first, which makes the child more receptive to limits.
Think about adult parallels. If you are upset about something at work and your manager says "I understand why that's frustrating, and here's what we need to do," you respond better than if they immediately jump to correction.
Not all children respond to verbal approaches, especially in the moment. Emotion Coaching can be largely non-verbal: calm presence, physical proximity, facial expressions that communicate understanding. Words can come later when the child is ready.
For children who struggle with emotional language, use alternative approaches: drawing feelings, pointing to emotion cards, or simply accepting "I don't know" as a valid response.
Share the evidence base. Emotion Coaching produces better behaviour outcomes than dismissive or punitive approaches. It is not soft; it combines empathy with clear limits.
Model the approach. When colleagues see Emotion Coaching working effectively with children they find challenging, attitudes often shift. Success is persuasive.
Transforms Learning infographic for teachers" loading="lazy">
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child View study ↗ by John Gottman (1997) is the foundational text that introduced Emotion Coaching to educators and parents. Gottman's longitudinal research demonstrated that children of Emotion Coaching parents showed better outcomes across academic, social, emotional, and physical health domains compared to children whose parents dismissed or disapproved of emotions.
Emotion Coaching: A Universal Strategy for Supporting and Promoting Sustainable Emotional and Behavioural Well-being View study ↗ by Gus, Rose, Gilbert, and Kilby (2015) presents the UK adaptation of Emotion Coaching for school settings. The research demonstrates positive outcomes when schools implement systematic Emotion Coaching training, including reduced behaviour incidents and improved staff-student relationships.
The Science of Emotion Coaching View study ↗ by Siegel and Bryson (2012) explains the neuroscience underlying why Emotion Coaching works. The authors show how empathetic responses help integrate children's developing brains, connecting emotional and rational processing in ways that support long-term regulation.
Co-regulation and the Development of Self-Regulation by Rosanbalm and Murray (2017) reviews research on how children develop emotional regulation through interactions with attuned adults. This paper provides the theoretical framework for understanding Emotion Coaching as a co-regulatory practice that builds children's capacity for self-regulation.
Emotion Coaching with Children Who Have Experienced Trauma View study ↗ by Bath (2008) examines how Emotion Coaching principles apply to children with adverse childhood experiences. The research shows that consistent, empathetic adult responses are particularly important for children whose early experiences have disrupted emotional development.
Emotion Coaching is an evidence-based approach that helps children understand and regulate their emotions through empathetic guidance rather than dismissal or punishment. Developed from the research of psychologist John Gottman, this approach has transformed how educators respond to children's emotional moments, turning potential flashpoints into powerful learning opportunities.
When a child erupts in frustration, throws equipment, or dissolves into tears, our instinct might be to stop the behaviour immediately. Emotion Coaching takes a different path: first acknowledge the feeling, then address the behaviour. This seemingly simple shift produces remarkable results. Children who experience Emotion Coaching develop stronger emotional intelligence, better self-regulation, improved behaviour, and more positive relationships with adults and peers.
Emotion Coaching is an approach to responding to children's emotions that treats emotional moments as opportunities for connection and teaching rather than problems to be solved or behaviours to be stopped. The approach emerged from John Gottman's research on family relationships and has been extensively developed for educational settings by researchers including Licette Gus and Louise Gilbert in the UK.
At its core, Emotion Coaching involves five key steps:
This differs fundamentally from common alternative responses. "Emotion dismissing" minimises or ignores feelings: "Don't be silly, there's nothing to cry about." "Emotion disapproving" punishes emotional expression: "Stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry about." Neither approach helps children develop emotional competence.
Emotion Coaching acknowledges that all emotions are valid signals that deserve attention, while maintaining that some behaviours triggered by emotions are not acceptable. A child can feel furious (valid) without hitting someone (not acceptable). The adult's job is to help the child understand and express the emotion appropriately.
When children experience intense emotions, their amygdala (the brain's alarm system) becomes highly activated, triggering fight, flight, or freeze responses. In this state, the prefrontal cortex (responsible for reasoning, language, and impulse control) goes partially offline. This is why telling an upset child to "calm down and think about it" rarely works: the thinking parts of their brain are not fully available.
Emotion Coaching works with this neuroscience rather than against it. Empathetic acknowledgment helps calm the amygdala and restore prefrontal function. The child's stress hormones decrease, heart rate slows, and capacity for rational thought returns. Only then can problem-solving and behaviour guidance be effective.
Children develop emotional regulation through co-regulation with attuned adults. When an adult remains calm and empathetic during a child's emotional storm, they provide a regulatory scaffold. The child's nervous system gradually learns to match the adult's calmer state. Over time, this co-regulation becomes internalised as self-regulation.
Emotion Coaching strengthens attachment relationships by demonstrating that the adult is a safe person who can handle the child's big feelings. Children learn they do not have to suppress or hide emotions to maintain connection. This secure base supports all other learning and development.
Gottman's original research followed families over multiple years, finding that children of "Emotion Coaching" parents showed better emotional regulation, fewer behaviour problems, higher academic achievement, and better physical health compared to children of emotion-dismissing parents.
UK research by Bath Spa University's Institute for Education has adapted and validated Emotion Coaching for school settings. Studies show that trained educators report improved relationships with children, reduced behaviour incidents, and better outcomes for children with social and emotional difficulties.
Emotion Coaching begins with noticing. Before a child reaches crisis point, an emotionally aware adult notices the signs: the tightening jaw, the withdrawal, the escalating voice. This awareness creates opportunities for early intervention before emotions become overwhelming.
Awareness also means recognising lower-intensity emotions that are easy to overlook. Children experience frustration, disappointment, anxiety, and sadness throughout the day, often without dramatic displays. These quieter emotional moments are equally important opportunities for coaching.
Developing awareness:
When a child is emotional, adults face a choice: see this as a problem to solve quickly or an opportunity to connect and teach. Emotion Coaching requires consciously choosing the second option, which may feel counterintuitive when behaviour is challenging.
This mental shift is crucial. If we approach emotional moments as inconveniences or disruptions, our responses will be dismissive or controlling. If we approach them as valuable learning opportunities, we respond with curiosity and empathy.
Reframing emotional moments:
Once you have decided to engage with the emotion, the next step is empathetic listening. This means giving the child your full attention, getting down to their level, and using body language that communicates presence and acceptance.
Validation does not mean agreeing with the child's perspective or approving of their behaviour. It means acknowledging that their emotional experience is real and makes sense from their point of view. "You're really angry that Sam took the blue crayon" validates the feeling without endorsing any subsequent hitting.
Listening and validating techniques:
Many children lack vocabulary for their emotional experiences. They feel overwhelmed by sensations they cannot identify or communicate. Providing emotional labels helps children understand their inner world and communicate their needs.
Naming should be tentative rather than declarative: "It looks like you might be feeling frustrated" rather than "You're frustrated." The child is the expert on their own experience; the adult offers possibilities. If you name incorrectly, the child may correct you, which is valuable information.
Building emotional vocabulary:
Only after emotions have been acknowledged do we address behaviour and find solutions. By this point, the child's nervous system has calmed enough for rational problem-solving. The adult has also demonstrated that they understand and accept the child before setting expectations.
Limits are set clearly and kindly: "It's okay to feel angry. It's not okay to hit. Hitting hurts people." The feeling is separated from the behaviour. Then problem-solving can begin: "What else could you do when you feel that angry?"
Setting limits and problem-solving:
During intense emotional episodes, keep responses simple. This is not the time for lengthy discussions or sophisticated problem-solving. Match the child's emotional energy with calm presence, use few words, and focus on safety and acknowledgment.
"I can see you're very angry. I'm going to stay here with you until you feel calmer. It's not okay to throw things. Let's take some deep breaths together."
Once the intensity passes, return to the full five-step process. Trying to do everything during peak emotion often escalates rather than resolves situations.
The most effective Emotion Coaching happens before crises. Build emotional vocabulary during calm moments. Discuss emotions in stories, artwork, and everyday situations. Help children anticipate emotional challenges: "Break time can be tricky. What might help if you feel left out?"
Regular check-ins help children develop emotional awareness. Simple questions like "How are you feeling right now?" or tools like emotion check-in boards normalise attention to emotional states.
Emotion Coaching principles apply to group situations as well as individual interactions. Class discussions about emotions, shared emotional vocabulary, and collective problem-solving all create an Emotion Coaching classroom culture.
When managing whole-class behaviour, acknowledge the group's emotional state: "I can see lots of you are feeling frustrated that we can't go outside. That's understandable. Let's think about what we can do instead."
Traditional behaviour management focuses on controlling behaviour through rewards and sanctions. Emotion Coaching does not replace appropriate boundaries but changes the relational context in which they are set. Limits set after emotional validation feel different from limits set without acknowledgment.
Children who experience Emotion Coaching become more cooperative over time because they feel understood and respected. The relationship itself becomes a motivator for positive behaviour, reducing reliance on external rewards and punishments.
Children with challenging behaviour often have underdeveloped emotional regulation skills and histories of emotion dismissal or disapproval. Emotion Coaching is particularly powerful for these children, though it may take longer to see results.
Be prepared for testing. Children who have learned that adults dismiss or punish emotions may initially escalate when their feelings are acknowledged. They are checking whether this new response is genuine and consistent. Persist through the testing period.
Emotion Coaching aligns well with approaches for children with autism, ADHD, and other special educational needs. The clear structure of the five steps provides predictability. Visual supports can enhance emotional vocabulary and self-monitoring.
Adaptations may be needed. Some children need more time to process. Some communicate emotions through behaviour rather than words. Some need concrete, literal language rather than subtle emotional vocabulary. Adapt the approach to individual needs while maintaining the core principles.
Your "meta-emotion philosophy" is your beliefs and feelings about emotions. Were emotions welcomed or suppressed in your childhood? Do you see anger as dangerous or natural? Are tears a sign of weakness or healthy expression? These beliefs shape your automatic responses to children's emotions.
Reflection questions:
No one becomes an expert Emotion Coach immediately. Start by practising awareness: simply notice children's emotions without necessarily responding differently. Then focus on validation: acknowledge feelings even briefly before addressing behaviour.
Gradually incorporate the full five steps. Some moments will go well; others will not. Reflect on both. What made a particular interaction successful? What got in the way when coaching felt difficult?
You cannot emotion coach when you are dysregulated yourself. If a child's behaviour triggers your own fight-or-flight response, you will not be able to provide the calm presence that coaching requires.
Develop your own self-regulation strategies. Notice your physical signs of stress. Have techniques for calming yourself quickly (deep breaths, grounding, brief pauses). Know when to tag out and let a colleague take over if you are too activated to coach effectively.
Emotion Coaching works best as a whole-school approach where children experience consistent responses across all adults and settings. This requires training, shared language, and ongoing support for staff.
Implementation typically involves:
Different staff members find different aspects of Emotion Coaching challenging. Some struggle with validation, feeling it is permissive. Others struggle with limit-setting, worrying about upsetting children. Supervision and peer support help staff develop areas of difficulty.
Lunchtime supervisors, teaching assistants, and office staff all interact with children during emotional moments. Include all staff in training and ensure they feel confident using the approach.
Parents may wonder whether Emotion Coaching is "soft" on behaviour or encourages emotional expression they find uncomfortable. Explain the approach clearly, sharing the evidence base and practical examples.
Invite parents to learn Emotion Coaching themselves. Many families find it transforms their home relationships just as it transforms classrooms. Shared approaches between home and school amplify benefits for children.
Emotion Coaching often takes less time than traditional approaches in the long run. Acknowledged emotions resolve more quickly. Relationships improve, reducing conflicts. Children learn to regulate, needing less adult intervention.
In the moment, keep coaching brief. A simple "You're frustrated. That's hard" takes three seconds and changes the interaction's trajectory.
Acknowledging emotions is not rewarding behaviour. You still set limits on actions. The difference is that you validate the feeling first, which makes the child more receptive to limits.
Think about adult parallels. If you are upset about something at work and your manager says "I understand why that's frustrating, and here's what we need to do," you respond better than if they immediately jump to correction.
Not all children respond to verbal approaches, especially in the moment. Emotion Coaching can be largely non-verbal: calm presence, physical proximity, facial expressions that communicate understanding. Words can come later when the child is ready.
For children who struggle with emotional language, use alternative approaches: drawing feelings, pointing to emotion cards, or simply accepting "I don't know" as a valid response.
Share the evidence base. Emotion Coaching produces better behaviour outcomes than dismissive or punitive approaches. It is not soft; it combines empathy with clear limits.
Model the approach. When colleagues see Emotion Coaching working effectively with children they find challenging, attitudes often shift. Success is persuasive.
Transforms Learning infographic for teachers" loading="lazy">
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child View study ↗ by John Gottman (1997) is the foundational text that introduced Emotion Coaching to educators and parents. Gottman's longitudinal research demonstrated that children of Emotion Coaching parents showed better outcomes across academic, social, emotional, and physical health domains compared to children whose parents dismissed or disapproved of emotions.
Emotion Coaching: A Universal Strategy for Supporting and Promoting Sustainable Emotional and Behavioural Well-being View study ↗ by Gus, Rose, Gilbert, and Kilby (2015) presents the UK adaptation of Emotion Coaching for school settings. The research demonstrates positive outcomes when schools implement systematic Emotion Coaching training, including reduced behaviour incidents and improved staff-student relationships.
The Science of Emotion Coaching View study ↗ by Siegel and Bryson (2012) explains the neuroscience underlying why Emotion Coaching works. The authors show how empathetic responses help integrate children's developing brains, connecting emotional and rational processing in ways that support long-term regulation.
Co-regulation and the Development of Self-Regulation by Rosanbalm and Murray (2017) reviews research on how children develop emotional regulation through interactions with attuned adults. This paper provides the theoretical framework for understanding Emotion Coaching as a co-regulatory practice that builds children's capacity for self-regulation.
Emotion Coaching with Children Who Have Experienced Trauma View study ↗ by Bath (2008) examines how Emotion Coaching principles apply to children with adverse childhood experiences. The research shows that consistent, empathetic adult responses are particularly important for children whose early experiences have disrupted emotional development.
